5 Ways to Coach Yourself… When You Don’t Have a Professional at Your Disposal

Before I became a coach, I was introduced to a set of skills that I would use to propel myself forward. Usually, they came into my life when I was lost, stuck or just plain unhappy. Some of the skills were found through therapy or books. Others I stumbled upon through conversations and welcomed epiphanies. Many of these skills were refined through my coach training. Now, I’m here to list my top 5 ways to coach yourself when all you have is you to rely on.

1. Powerful Questions and the 5 Whys

Powerful questions are those that are open ended and prompt reflection. They almost always start with the word What or Why. First, I’ll cover the what. There are no vague answers to a what question and that’s why I love them. None of this “How’s it going?” crap. Try – “What good happened today?” It gets you out of the auto pilot trap we all fall accustomed to. One of the simplest questions we can ask ourselves is “What do I want”. This can be a stand-alone question or have a particular situation placed at the end. For example, “What do I want in my… career, relationships, home, etc.” Pretty easy right? Now comes the fun part. The 5 whys. Usually, asking why 5 times is a way for problems solvers to get to the root cause. Each why is a way to gather more information and as a result – clarity. That’s exactly what we’re trying to do.

After you find your what – start asking why.

Here’s a simplified example:

Q: What do I want?

A: I want more money.

Q: Why do I want more money?

A: I want to be able to afford more experiences.

Q: Why?

A: Because I miss having the ability to attend social events.

Q: Why do I miss attending events?

A: Last week all my friends attended a concert, and I couldn’t.

Q: Why did I want to attend this concert with my friends?

A: I haven’t seen these friends in a while. I’ve also been really into the artist they all went to see.

Q: Why is that important?

A: I miss my friends and want to reconnect through a fun shared experience. I feel like I’m becoming distant and losing touch with my people.

What started as a want for more money turned into the importance of connection and shared experiences with friends. With this realization, the ability to connect without money becomes an option. Financial stability is still a goal, but one can still work to increase their income while also connecting with friends through other joyful means.

2. Feel Out Your End Goal

This is another one of those powerful questions, but without the whys and a focus on feeling… No problem solving to be done here. This is a favorite because it gets you to dream big. Ask yourself.

“If I have absolutely no restraints - what will my life look like?”

Notice how I said have and will and not had and would. We are staying in the now and moving forward. Close your eyes and feel as if you have it now! Get excited!

Where would you be?

Who would be around you?

What are you doing?

Indulge in the sight, sound, taste, touch and your unique voice. Have fun! Make it feel as if it’s happening in that moment. Indulge. The reason this is so powerful is when you feel it in the present moment – it makes the fear of acting towards that reality smaller. Your confidence builds because you already feel fulfilled and before you know it, you’re in the rightful belief that you can accomplish what you hold in your mind’s eye.

Which leads us to…

3. Take Action

When in clarity of what you want and ultimately how you want to feel, it’s time to act. Use all the resources you have at your disposal and take those baby steps! Emphasis on baby steps. Our goals can sometime feel overwhelmingly big. Overwhelm can lead to panic. Looking too far into the future and trying to figure out how to get there can activate the fight, flight or freeze response. This can cause poor decision making and inaction.

Short story… When I was in middle school, I would become so overwhelmed by homework. I would pace around the house in complete panic about how I would get it all done. I couldn’t separate math from history. English from science. Everything was a complete blob of a mess in my head. Just like the books strewn about the kitchen table where I was to get it all done. It wasn’t until my mother sat me down in front of those books, told me to take a breath and took all but one subject off the table. “This is all that you will focus. No other subject exists in this moment”

From that point forward, I got my homework done. I took breaks between subjects and my mother – being a teacher herself, gave me grace when she saw that too much work had been given for one night. We still need to be kids too, right!? I didn’t always have to complete everything.

I still apply that concept to this day!

Baby steps. Break it down. Take breaks. One step at a time.

Thanks, Mom!

4. Allow for Breaks

Segue into an easy one… err… for most. You’re taking action. You’re moving in a direction. You’re putting in the work. Whether you see the tangible results or not, you’re making progress! At some point with all this effort you’re either going to get to a point where you’re forced to wait – or burn out. In those times, rest. Just like between homework subjects!

Have a “me day”. Sleep in. Take it slow. Get a facial. Mani-pedi? Hell, do nothing but binge watch one of RuPaul’s many Drag Race franchises. You deserve it!

Do something (or nothing) so you feed your soul and allow yourself respite.

Give yourself permission to have fun when you’re force to wait.

Replenish your energy when you’re feeling drained.

5. Be in This Moment

Eastern philosophers had it right for centuries. And one of their biggest concepts is our own creation of suffering. Our minds like to hold us prisoners in our past and cause us fear and anxiety when trying to predict our futures. All we really have is the here and now. Don’t become victim to the trap of trying to know everything that can happen due to past experiences. It’s important to know the triggers that stop you from moving forward. When you find yourself stuck repeating those same thought processes, ask yourself “When is this coming from?”. Then feel that situation in the present and let it go. The way I do this is by grounding myself in the now. Feeling the weight of my body on the Earth. Listening to the sounds around me.

As of now I hear the sound of my fingers pressing the keyboard with each keystroke. Running water from the fountain outside my kitchen window. I feel the woven rattan palms of the chair I sit on and the cool tiled floor underneath my bare feet. As I look out the window, a welcomed breeze brushes my face. I see the unripe oranges swaying on branches in the courtyard. I even taste the slightest bit of the cappuccino I finished still on my tongue. And smell the Trader Joes pizza cooking in the oven.

Absolutely nothing in this moment is wrong.

I am being.

I am present.

And that brings me peace.

Do your best to stay present.

Let the now wash everything else away...

If you haven’t noticed yet – all 5 of these coaching skills are deeply interconnected with each other. Now give them a go! And experience the powerful changes that happen as a result!